Hi, it's Kai again I just want you to sit down, grab something to drink, and just clear your head. I wish I could clear my own head but lately, it's been static well-... it's always been static. I'm a grown old gay lad yet making friends with people younger than me which I never know how to think about it until recently. For me, it's a disturbing offset I'm unable to force myself to get away from the community because I love things in it and I have found people who make me laugh that are yet young. None of that is the point the point with being young is that maybe you don't understand something-... and I know Halo people don't understand it in me either. I have depression, anxiety, dyslexia, and many other things to add on to my medication to which I don't know who I will be in somedays. You can find me very pissed off or ranty, or you can find me weird and talking about stupid shit that makes people feel uncomfortable, or you can find me-... faking to be happy because I just wish to be happy. There has barely been a time in my life where I was really happy other than being with my boyfriend which is why I want to share with you, clinical depression and anxiety-... the combo that prevents happiness.
I think I've said enough but more importantly, what I have to say is that I'm very sorry. You won't find me saying this a lot because it's a deep headache in me that finds myself alone a lot of the time even if I'm in teamspeaks with friends there is still loneliness there being me. I can't connect with other people because other people are happy and enjoy life while my circumstances can only have me to pretend to be happy and not be happy which hurts more and more until I get one of these-... my favorites-... anxiety attacks. Anxiety attacks are a bit different from panic attacks as one is an over-reaction while this one is a build up. Panic attacks are physical and mental but are short while anxiety attacks are fully mental and can last for weeks. I usually have them for months. As a welder, I have to take a lot of time off to deal with them with a therapist which I don't ever talk about but yeah I have a therapist. My boyfriend who is very supportive of me is my only person who can really make me feel happy at times yet if not it leads to fights and we say shit to each other that I know he doesn't mean but sometimes I don't know if he knows I don't mean the things I say. That same type of feeling happens here a lot, I say things that I don't mean and I say them out of many moods that I can't control half the time and when I find out that someone was affected it gets worse. Just imagine a window slowly cracking the more I can't control the more the window cracks and the more I hurt others feelings the more I crack the more I feel like a burden to people the more I crack until eventually I shatter and have an anxiety attack.
Why am I talking about all of this? Why am I revealing a bit of my life in this? I just feel as if many people have the right to know after the things that I've said and done out of these many things. Those people feel as if I don't care, but I really do care because it hurts to know that I had damaged someone there is many community banned people here that I may say hate but most deeply I really feel sorry and guilty wishing they could come back so I can say sorry. There is a lot of people out there including in Halo that I attempted to exclude so I don't have to talk to them not because I don't want to but because I don't want to fuck up and hurt them with what I said. Finally, what I want to share is that the combination of depression and anxiety is the making of the fear of yourself. I don't want to be that person and that is why most of the things I do end up hurting others when I don't want to do it, I don't know how to explain other than a quote in a book.
"When I laugh I cry, when I smile I frown, when I jump I fall, when I cheer I scream, and when I'm with people I'm alone. When I'm alone, I've always been alone."
~ Kai
I think I've said enough but more importantly, what I have to say is that I'm very sorry. You won't find me saying this a lot because it's a deep headache in me that finds myself alone a lot of the time even if I'm in teamspeaks with friends there is still loneliness there being me. I can't connect with other people because other people are happy and enjoy life while my circumstances can only have me to pretend to be happy and not be happy which hurts more and more until I get one of these-... my favorites-... anxiety attacks. Anxiety attacks are a bit different from panic attacks as one is an over-reaction while this one is a build up. Panic attacks are physical and mental but are short while anxiety attacks are fully mental and can last for weeks. I usually have them for months. As a welder, I have to take a lot of time off to deal with them with a therapist which I don't ever talk about but yeah I have a therapist. My boyfriend who is very supportive of me is my only person who can really make me feel happy at times yet if not it leads to fights and we say shit to each other that I know he doesn't mean but sometimes I don't know if he knows I don't mean the things I say. That same type of feeling happens here a lot, I say things that I don't mean and I say them out of many moods that I can't control half the time and when I find out that someone was affected it gets worse. Just imagine a window slowly cracking the more I can't control the more the window cracks and the more I hurt others feelings the more I crack the more I feel like a burden to people the more I crack until eventually I shatter and have an anxiety attack.
Why am I talking about all of this? Why am I revealing a bit of my life in this? I just feel as if many people have the right to know after the things that I've said and done out of these many things. Those people feel as if I don't care, but I really do care because it hurts to know that I had damaged someone there is many community banned people here that I may say hate but most deeply I really feel sorry and guilty wishing they could come back so I can say sorry. There is a lot of people out there including in Halo that I attempted to exclude so I don't have to talk to them not because I don't want to but because I don't want to fuck up and hurt them with what I said. Finally, what I want to share is that the combination of depression and anxiety is the making of the fear of yourself. I don't want to be that person and that is why most of the things I do end up hurting others when I don't want to do it, I don't know how to explain other than a quote in a book.
"When I laugh I cry, when I smile I frown, when I jump I fall, when I cheer I scream, and when I'm with people I'm alone. When I'm alone, I've always been alone."
~ Kai
![[VOID] The Mercenary](/data/avatars/m/2/2781.jpg?1591995941){kind=avatar}